turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you told grandpa to call you daddy
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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