yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
