I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
