I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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