wanna go halves on a baby?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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