Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
