If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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