The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
