i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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