I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
barbara walters just said penis...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
