It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
