hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
