Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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