I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
