When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Damn victory sex feels great
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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