She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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