I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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