just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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