I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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