I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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