this beer tastes like vomit already
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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