I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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