had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
