Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
