Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
