The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
