I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
