smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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