Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
