if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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