She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
