Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i think i have two assholes
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
