I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
