before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
