Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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