I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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