well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
