I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
