I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
