dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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