May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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