Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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