Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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