Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
