After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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