Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
