You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
