Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
