I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
