you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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