OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
