In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize