if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
