i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
