I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
