you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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