I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
