someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I lost the right to judge tonight
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
