what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize