Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
