Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
