Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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