If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
