On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
