First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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