The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
