sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
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