Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
