Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
